Define the Relationship

The (G)DTR is more complicated than the standard DTR because now in addition to trying to understand your boyfriend's needs you've brought the Creator of the universe into the mix. Now in addition to saying you don't like that he is playing so much Grand Theft Auto 4 (came out today, that was wicked topical of me to mention it by the way) you have to factor in what Yahweh wants in the relationship. That's why I have created this handy guide. It translates the things you most often hear in a (G)DTR and tells you what is really being said. Enjoy:

1. They say: "I need to unpack some things and reassess my boundaries."

They mean: "I've secretly gone to counseling and learned some new words that are going to make your head hurt. I'm breaking up with you."

2. They say: "I feel that I need to spend more time with God."

They mean: "I feel that I need to spend more time with God and less time with you. I'm breaking up with you."

3. They say: "I think God is calling me into missions."

They mean: "The first place God wants me to visit is a land called 'somwhere you are not.' I'm leaving tonight. I'm breaking up with you."

4. They say: "I think God has gifted me with a life of celibacy."

They mean: "I've just dropped the equivalent of a dating atomic bomb. Good luck with all that. I'm breaking up with you."

5. They say: "I feel like we've grown apart."

They mean: "I represent the word 'grown,' you represent, 'apart,' as in your falling apart. I'm breaking up with you."